Trollwood Reviews A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms by George R. R. Martin

        A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms is beautifully written high fantasy from the nib of a master storyteller.

        Bringing together for the first time in one volume three novellas written by Martin over the course of a decade, A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms documents the adventures of Dunk (“Ser Duncan the Tall”), a knight of the hedgerows, and his bald-headed squire Egg (who will grow up to become King Aegon V). Set one hundred years before the events of A Song of Ice and Fire (ASOIAF), during the twilight years of Targaryen rule, The Hedge Knight (1998), Sworn Sword (2003) and The Mystery Knight (2010) are filled with all the colour, scheming and stonking good fights we’ve come to expect from Martin.

        The Hedge Knight tells the story of Dunk’s first tourney following the death of his master and mentor, Ser Arlan of Pennytree. The way Martin tells it hedge knights have more in common with carny folk or itinerant boxers than the noblemen they aspire to serve. Before he can compete Dunk must first pawn his dead master’s horse to buy armour for the joust and convince the Master of the Lists that he’s a real knight. Dunk does have one advantage though- his enormous size. He is “one inch shy of seven feet” which even his most snobbish adversaries can’t ignore. Dunk is not exactly the sharpest lance on the rack, however, and he quickly finds himself embroiled in the intrigues of Targaryen princelings and playing a far deadlier game.

        The Sworn Sword sees Dunk and Egg working for Ser Eustace Osgrey, the scion of an ancient noble house fallen on hard times, during one of the worst droughts in living memory. Dunk is one of only two knights employed by Ser Eustace to defend his lands and castle, a decrepit old tower overrun with fleas and chickens. When rival House Webber dams up the Chequy Water, the Osgrey’s main water source, Dunk and Egg are sent to treat with the notorious Red Widow. What Dunk receives when he gets there is a lesson in history, courtship and treachery. Again Dunk must rely on his brute strength, resourcefulness and a little help from his squire Egg to settle accounts.

        In The Mystery Knight Dunk and Egg enter jousts that are being held to celebrate the marriage of two powerful families. All Dunk wants, besides filling his belly with suckling pig and Dornish wine, is to win a ransom or two and a look at the dragon’s egg they’re offering as first prize. At the wedding banquet Dunk meets a motley crew of other hedge knights and noblemen of uncertain extraction, as well as mysterious bard who claims to have seen his future. When Dunk runs afoul of a jousting shark in his first tilt, the dragon egg goes missing and his squire Egg vanishes without a trace, Dunk finally realizes he’s in very deep water and sinking fast.

        There’s so much to like about these stories, even for people who are not usually fans of Martin. For one thing the main character Dunk is genuinely likeable. The main characters in ASOIAF are interesting but I can’t think of many who are genuinely likeable (except perhaps for Samwell Tarly). Even Tyrion Lannister, Martin’s obvious favourite, does and says some terrible things. Dunk’s a bit of an oaf, to be sure, but he’s kind to his squire and his fondness for his old master is endearing. Secondly, you don’t have to worry about Dunk dying every time you pick up the book because it’s a matter of recorded history that Dunk becomes Lord Commander of the Kingsguard under Aegon V. Until that happens, you know he’s going to make it. That in itself sets the tales of Dunk and Egg apart from the rest of ASOIAF. Thirdly, the fight scenes are gritty and exciting. More often than not stuff goes wrong (fog of war) and Dunk has rely as much on his street fighting instincts as his formal knightly training to defeat his opponents. Finally although the stories are a lighter read than ASOIAF the world-building is still rich and complex. You get a sense that Dunk is part of something much larger than himself (even at 7 foot tall) and often the situations in which he finds himself are far more complex than he realizes. If you’re into the history and politics of Westeros, there’s plenty in these stories to sink your teeth into. Personally speaking I really appreciated the insight these stories provided into life under the Targaryen Kings, which ASOIAF constantly alludes to but never revisits.

        The book itself been put together with great care. The fine illustrations by Gary Gianni complement the action perfectly and resemble illustrations found in history texts of yore rather comic book art you find in graphic novels. They enhance the experience of reading without displacing the reader’s own imagination. For fans of ASOIAF and the Game of Thrones TV series A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms is guaranteed to hit the mark, and scratch that itch between now and the next installment of ASOIAF, whenever that may be.

Ladyhawke (1985) Film Review

        One of the best-loved fantasy movies of the 1980s and arguably one of the best fantasy movies ever made Ladyhawke is the timeless tale of a love that will not be denied. Produced at the height of the same fantasy boom that gave us The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth and Willow, what sets Ladyhawke apart is its simple yet compelling storyline and its understated use of fantastical elements.

Amazing Ladyhawke Fanart by HollyTheTerrible@deviantart

        A fantasy movie that succeeds because of a lack of fantasy elements? Hear me out-

        Ladyhawke is basically set in late medieval Italy. It was filmed in rural locations across Italy, the names of people and places all sound Italian or French and the Church is the most powerful organization in the film. There are no orphan dragons or enchanted woodlands and itinerant wizards are few and far between (ok ok there are none). The only magic to be found in Ladyhawke is a single evil curse- but boy oh boy, is it a doozy…

        Two lovers forever divided by an evil spell that transforms one into a wolf at night and other into a hawk during the day. The curse is the work of the Bishop of Aquila, a wicked man who summoned dark powers to punish Isabeau and her lover Navarre when she rejected his advances.

        The audience learns of their plight through the misadventures of Philippe Gaston, a young thief played by Matthew Broderick who has just escaped the dungeons of Aquila. At first Philippe or “Mouse” as he is known wants nothing to do with the mysterious knight Navarre and he tries to escape at every turn- but when he meets Isabeau played by the stunning Michelle Pfeiffer he is enchanted by her beauty and decides to help the unlucky couple. Some of the most charming sequences in the film occur when Philippe acts as a go-between for Isabeau and Navarre, telling each what they need to hear and rekindling hope between them.

 Matthew Broderick as Philippe Gaston a.k.a. The Mouse

Not everyone likes Matthew Broderick as Mouse. Some find his wise-cracking annoying. Personally I found his ongoing dialogue with God hilarious and the perfect foil for Rutger Hauer’s sombre Navarre.

        Ladyhawke isn’t as epic as the fantasies they make these days, but the relationships are well-developed and the film makers did a lot with the relatively primitive special effects that were available. Clever editing also helps to build tremendous tension at points, like when the bounty hunter is tracking Navarre-as-wolf through the forest and it’s unclear whether he’s alive or dead- and produces one of the tensest edge-of-the-seat climaxes you’ll ever see thanks to the instructions the monk receives from Navarre at the end. What Ladyhawke lacks in special effects it more than makes up for in good old fashioned storytelling and thoughtful plot.

        That’s not to say it’s perfect. Oh heavens no!

        Something needs to be said about the soundtrack- eighties synth was always a questionable development. Ladyhawke has it. Quite a lot of it. In 1986 James Horner composed a vastly superior soundtrack for Name of the Rose, another tale about wicked churchmen set in Northern Italy, so no, not everyone was using synth at the time. When I mention Ladyhawke’s cheesy soundtrack to people Gen Y and younger they claim to love it…but I think they’re doing so ironically. The older the person the more embarrassed they are (“I was there and I did nothing to stop it…”).

        Warner Bros please please please rerelease Ladyhawke without the 80s synth! You’ll be doing everyone a massive favour.

        Check out the alternative soundtrack by Frank Fojtik here.

        The world-building can be a bit incongruous in places too- for example, what’s with the cowled dudes milling around the happy couple in the final scene? Shouldn’t they be reacting in some way? I mean, their Dear Leader was just murdered and now his murderers are making out right in front of them... I don’t get it.

        It says a lot about the depth of love out there for this movie that so many people are able to overlook the score (or even embrace it) and continue to count Ladyhawke among their favourite movies. Watching Ladyhawke today it transports us back to a simpler, more pastoral time, when Michelle Pfeiffer’s doe-eyes still reigned supreme and Leo McKern’s quivering jowls provided all the authoritas you would ever need. No matter how you cut it Ladyhawke is soulful fantasy-fare of the highest order that fully deserves a high place in the DVD cabinet of any fantasy enthusiast.

The Many Faces of Gollum

        I love Jackson's Gollum. Hang on that sounds weird. Let me rephrase. I think Gollum was portrayed brilliantly in Jackson's movies. But then..if you read my post about Fan Art, you'll also know that I have a problem with big franchises and the way they colonize the imagination. Well recently I came across this little gem from Rankin & Bass:

Rankin & Bass often get a hard time for their portrayal of Gollum- do they deserve it? Is Jackson's Gollum really the definitive Gollum? I went back to the source to find out:

        In The Hobbit Tolkien introduces Gollum thusly:

"Deep down here by the dark water lived old Gollum, a small slimy creature. I don't know where he came from, nor who or what he was. He was Gollum - as dark as darkness, except for two big round pale eyes in his thin face. He had a little boat, and he rowed about quite quietly on the lake; for lake it was, wide and deep and deadly cold. He paddled it with large feet dangling over the side, but never a ripple did he make. Not he. He was looking out of his pale lamp-like eyes for blind fish, which he grabbed with his long fingers as quick as thinking. "

Tolkien provides more description in Lord of the Rings when Frodo and Sam confront Smeagol for the first time-

"Before Sam could get a hold, long legs and arms were wound round him pinning his arms, and a clinging grip, soft but horribly strong, was squeezing him like slowly tightening cords; clammy fingers were feeling for his throat. Then sharp teeth bit into his shoulder...

Things would have gone ill with Sam, if he had been alone. But Frodo sprang up, and drew Sting from its sheath. With his left hand he drew back Gollum's head by his thin lank hair, stretching his long neck, and forcing his pale venomous eyes to stare up at the sky."

        According to Tolkien Gollum is small, slimy, dark, has large, pale, lamp-like eyes, a thin face, large feet and long fingers, long legs, long arms, sharp teeth, thin lank hair and a long neck.

        That leaves quite a lot of room for interpretation. Does Gollum have a belly? How muscular is he? Is he hairless? Does he have pointy ears? (srsly, that's an important question) Is his face rounder or is it longer? Is he completely monstrous or are there vestiges of humanity (hobbit-ity...) left? Anyway, to help us decide here's a collection of artistic interpretations of everyone's favourite homunculus- all of which fit Tolkien's description (more or less).

Jackson's Gollum- "Is we dark enough, precious?"

Ralph Bakshi's Gollum's eyes literally glow

Listen to Brothers Hildebrandt's Gollum muttering "precious"

Wicked Witch's nose? You think Tolkien would have mentioned it.

Randy Berrett's Gollum looks hungry

Frank Frazetta's Gollum makes ripples

Alan Lee's Gollum does not

Soviet Gollum,1976. Are those scales?

Donato Giancola's Taming of Smeagol. Frodo Baggins Thug Life.

Ted Nasmith's Gollum- has anger management issues

John Howe's Gollum is pretty dark- I guess he lost that argument

        Which is your favourite Gollum?

Lemony Snicket’s The Dark Book Review

        Recently I showed Monsters Inc to our 2 and 4 year old...and regretted it immediately. The movie begins with a monster slowly opening a cupboard door and creeping into a child’s room as the child hides under a blanket, shaking in terror. The kids were entranced, or maybe riveted is a better word, by the horror that was unfolding on the TV screen. They quickly realized that the monsters were not meant to be baddies but the damage was already done. Later our 2 year old kept asking what the running machine behind the lounge was for (tells you how much it gets used) having witnessed the diabolical machine in Monsters Inc that sucks screams out of little children (srsly Pixar what were you thinking?). I even got onto the damned running machine again to show her what it was for, and even then she was not totally convinced.

        Anyway the point is little kids aren’t afraid of the dark or boogiemen or whatever until you plant the seed in their head (“Do you want me to leave the light on?” “Why mummy?” “Oh, no reason…”) or they learn it from a book or TV program.

        So when I picked up Lemony Snicket’s The Dark, a picture book designed to help kids manage their fear of the dark, I did so with one sceptical eyebrow firmly raised.

        The story is an incredibly simple one really.

        It’s a story about a boy and his relationship with the Dark, an amorphous black presence that lives in the basement and comes out at night to fill up the house and engulf the world outside. Lemony Snicket’s version of the dark clearly reflects how the dark is experienced by children. The dark is feared not just because of what it conceals (monsters, boogiemen etc) but because of its own tangible presence- it “waits” in the next room, it “creeps” around corners, it “cloaks” the eyes. So when Lemony Snicket gives it a voice, it rings true, like some ancient memory or a "click" in the brainstem (if anything deserves its own anthropomorphic personification* it’s The Dark). The Dark is scary enough on its own, without filling it with monsters.

        Interestingly there are no parents or other sources of comfort in the story- just the boy and the Dark- and when the boy goes down into the basement to meet the Dark at its lair, he does so on his own, relying on his own inner resources, and it’s his bravery that’s on display. That’s an important message for kids too.

        The key to this story, and the reason it’s so successful, is the brilliant way Lemony Snicket defuses the boy’s fear of the dark at the end. I won’t tell you how it’s done (a magician’s tricks and all that) but I will say it’s a stroke of mental jujitsu that had me blinking in astonishment and totally cured me of my fear of the dark forever (come on, admit it, you sometimes get it too, inching your way down a darkened corridor in the middle of the night).

        The illustrator Jon Klassen deserves a mention too. His simple but effective drawings really bring Lemony Snicket’s vision to life. The dark in The Dark is pitch black- so incredibly dark it has a physical presence that clearly conveys Lemony Snicket’s notion of The Dark. I don’t think the story could be told any more clearly or effectively than it is, either in words or in pictures.

        As an overprotective Dad I think if your kids aren’t afraid of the dark there’s probably no reason to get this book, but if they are, it’s a great way to address that fear. Having said that, my kids aren’t really afraid of the dark and I would still read it to them- and that’s the biggest endorsement I can give.

        The Dark is available to buy at the Trollwood online fantasy shop or our usual haunts.

        * See http://discworld.wikia.com/wiki/Anthropomorphic_personifications

Scrap Princess Interview + Short Book Review

        In this week's installment of Australian Gods I interview visual artist and game master Scrap Princess (actually this time round we've stretched the category to Australasian Gods as Scrap harks from NZ, as Aussies tend to...whenever we feel like it). Scrap Princess is not the kind of god you'll find sipping tea in Elysium- more the type you find spinning dark, intricate webs in the wastelands of Pandemonium. Scrap Princess is perhaps best known for her artwork Monster Manual Sewn From Pants (a collection of cute and fluffy D&D monsters that is anything but cute and fluffy), but her art includes dark, dystopian drawings as well as highly imaginative gaming ideas.

        Scrap Princess is part of a movement sometimes called New Wave OSR (or New Wave Old School Roleplaying) which is a group of loosely affiliated bloggers who share a passion for building original (i.e. non-derivative) fantasy worlds, thinking up new rules systems and generating amusing random generation tables. New Wavers approach roleplaying in the same way D&D founder Gary Gygax and his buddies would have done back in the day when they were inventing Beholders, Xorns and Rust Monsters, before it all became canon. They apply adult intellect and perspectives to the childish pursuit of make-believe- and the results are often complex, dark and darkly humorous. As Scrap put it "find stuff you loved as a kid but turn the volume up on everything". Anyway, enough foreshadowing.

1. Could you describe for us your ongoing project Monster Manual Sewn From Pants? What is the intention behind it?

        Well it's not ongoing anymore, except for commissions. The intention was to give myself something to do over winter and make money via the internet. But it turned into me blogging ideas for d&d that I found interesting and hoped other people did and then later inserting myself into other peoples rpg projects as a illustrator.

2. What are your thoughts on Tolkien’s influence and the direction mainstream fantasy has taken (e.g. variations on elves, dragons and goblins in a medieval European setting)?

        Basically I think it is terrible, but whatever was the narrow end of wedge was gonna become terrible because , for me , what is terrible is the familiar , and for the people that come after the narrow end is a wellspring of creativity , and they will turn everything into tropes and I guess that is okay.

        I read this recently and it changed my mind, I used to be way more reflexively (but quietly, because fuck if the internet needs one more person take up space ranting about things they hate) condemning because my reaction to the generic was despair and a lot of my drive comes from this desire to make new things or make them into something Else.
But the other urge is a thing too:
http://falsemachine.blogspot.co.nz/2015/04/not-review-of-michael-crichtons-prey.html
(the second half starts making the points that made me reflect different on my previous knee jerk reactions)

        Also the Father Christmas letters is amazing and I still like the hobbit. a lot happened in the hobbit. And Tom loves Tolkien and it's his inspiration for this kinda stuff so http://middenmurk.blogspot.co.nz/ ...

3. In your blog you've said you employ roleplaying to explore feelings that have no name, especially feelings that “dislocate and wrench”. Does good fantasy always have to take us outside our comfort zones?

        I think you might be misquoting me a little, it's more any act of creativity for me has this trend to try and use it articulate nameless things, and that blog post was an attempt to do this.
        Does good fantasy always have to take us outside our comfort zones? Hmm dunno I think "good" and "comfort zone" would be need to defined for me to give an Definitely Opinion. For me, I like to be surprised , not necessarily shocked, but surprised and fantasy I enjoy does that.

4. As a GM do you create these feelings of dislocation primarily through world-building or do you manipulate your players in other ways? How would you describe your GM-ing style?

        Half Ass Bipolar Cartoon. I just put stuff in the world I think are interesting. Trying to get a particular subtle nuance from people is prob doomed and you risk killing the magic by being so heavy handed. The thing at the table once the game starts is always gonna be its own thing and you got to let it run

5. People who are drawn to fantasy are typically quite imaginative, yet when I read your stuff I realize my own imaginings are pretty tame in comparison. Why do you think imaginative people don’t take it to the next level? Is that the difference between an artist and a non-artist?

        I'm gonna keep referring back to the thing Patrick wrote ain't I?
        Dunno , it's not a competition ... like what I am going to find interesting is different to what you think is interesting and as long as you having fun does it matter?
        I think am way more likely to want to push things further because I am deeply frustrated and unhappy and restless and will tear apart things in front of me like a neurotic parrot.                 Difference between artist and non-artist? Often it's just merely time spend and the desire/ability to spend that time. Everyone arranges the world in some way to aesthetically please themselves I guess , some people just way more so

6. How does the artistic process work for you? Do ideas/images flood your mind or are they more the product of hard work/rumination?

        It's like fishing. Stuff shows up but you gotta be out there with your line in the water.

7. Can you briefly describe the best game session you ever played (as a DM or player)? What made it so good?

        Ahhhh ones where players were just looking or interacting with stuff not because it would necessary benefit them but just because they really loved that fucking gremlin voice or wanted to know the history of the cyclops tombs or whatever. That I was pulling out of my ass at the time.

8. What books or movies would you recommend to people who are interested in exploring the raw, tattered edges of fantasy?

        Well I will be obvious and say China Mieville's The Scar. Umm also art in variety of media like Zdzisław Beksiński or the Chitin Engine Flowers of Louise Bourgeois. Pulp covers, find stuff you loved as a kid but turn the volume up on everything.
Fucking history man, history is fucking crazy.

        All the blogs on my blog roll?

        Movies dunno not enough happens in movies.

9. This blog series is called Australian Gods (actually this episode is “Australasian Gods” by virtue of the fact you’re a Kiwi). If you woke up one day and found you could bend reality completely to your will, what would you do?

        Prob fuck everything up by trying to limit the power and range of evil in this world

10. This last question is a complete cop-out, but…what question should I have asked you and didn’t? (and could you kindly answer it?)

        "Should I buy Velvet Horizon?" Yeah but look at a page first.



        Velvet Horizon or "Fire on the Velvet Horizon" to give it its full title is an alternative Bestiary or Monster Manual written by Patrick Stuart (of falsemachine) and illustrated by Scrap Princess (actually Scrap's drawings were the inspiration for the descriptions so her role was central). It's an amazing book. Stuart's creature descriptions are detailed and deep, providing insights into monster psychology and ecological connections that really add to their reality and bring the imagined world to life. The cover and formatting is difficult (I was going to write "impenetrable", but it's not completely so, it just requires some commitment); however, the pay-off is massive. You know how sometimes when you're reading a book and the phone goes or you have to go out to buy chocolate and you stagger out into the world blinking like you've just been asleep or away for 10 years? I got that after reading just one entry- Paladins of the Fall- which is all of 2 pages long. Like I said, it's powerful, transporting stuff. I've scanned the Yamman entry (above) to show you how funny it is in places too. You can buy Fire on the Velvet Horizon at the Trollwood online fantasy shop and some other places too I guess ;)

Scrap Princess, Seamstress of Chaos

Jubilex the Faceless Lord, sewn from pants

        In previous installments of Australian Gods there wasn't a problem describing what the nominees do. Really I just had to show a bunch of cool pictures and it was clear what these people are doing and how good they are at it. What this month’s nominee Scrap Princess does is harder to define or explain to the uninitiated- but that doesn’t mean it’s not important or awesome in its own right.

        Take a look at this piece, for example.

        Now the immediate, rational response to this object is to ask “WTF is that?” The correct answer would be “It’s a Beholder sewn from pants” which begs the question “WTF is a Beholder?” “A Beholder (my dear fellow) is a floating-eye monster in Dungeons & Dragons” “What’s Dungeons & Dragons?” “Why, it’s a roleplaying game…” You see the problem here. Scrap Princess is operating in a very specialized, rarefied field.

        Before diving headlong into the chaotic Outer Planes of Scrap Princess’ fevered imagination let’s take a step back and quickly define roleplaying. Roleplaying games are a form of collective storytelling where players take on the roles of different characters- their decisions determine the arc of the story and their conversations form the dialogue. At the head of the table sits the umpire or Game Master (GM) whose job it is to describe the world where the story is taking place, to play the parts of monsters and people the players meet, and judge the success or otherwise of player actions. The GM is not playing against the players so much as orchestrating the action and making sure everyone has a fun/memorable time. You could do worse than watch an episode of Acquisitions Incorporated to get an idea of what a game looks like (maybe not the whole thing, it’s over 2 hours long...and beware the adult themes...the really, really funny adult themes). 

        For most players participation in the hobby finishes when they leave the table, but for GMs the hobby continues between game sessions and long into the night as they think up new plots, design new dungeons and create new worlds. This is the realm where Scrap Princess performs her dark magic. You see most fantasy roleplaying takes place in worlds populated by Dwarves, Elves, Humans, Orcs and Dragons; in other words, variations on Tolkien’s Middle Earth. Scrap Princess has no time for these conventions/tropes/clichés. She quite deliberately, gleefully and brilliantly dissects them, and reassembles them into barely recognisable, twitching things. It's the act of imagining something totally new that interests her, and she excels at it.

        Let’s take a look at some examples from her blog, monstermanualsewnfrompants.

Example 1. In D&D golems are usually made from clay, flesh, iron or stone. Here’s one that Scrap Princess thought up:

Slum Golem
This golem is crafted from the despair and human misery as much as the physical parts of the slums. The golem is created by casting and performing the rituals in a suitable area, the wizard need not craft the body themselves. The golem can be primed for a future event or trigger before rising up like a long centipede of splinted beam, white wash and glass. The occupants of the building are not absorbed into it but need to make their own way out, risking being crushed by the golems internal movements. As it teeters on its assigned mission it leaves randomly Symbols of Despair (in the form of graffiti), and stinking clouds.

Other Scrap Princess golems include the Wolfheads golem, Spider Hive Golem and Obsolescence Golem. Think about it- using any one of these golems in your game would make the evil cleric responsible seem just so much more…evil.

Example 2. During games players usually find magical weapons on defeated enemies or in treasure chests. Here’s a list of places players might find them in one of Scrap Princess’ adventures:

1. Several geese with tiny knights in their crops, each knight carries a +1 sword. Their crests are known and they are missing.
2. Chest of Rich Rich Rich soil and a +1 sword with an unblemished severed hand clutching it
3. A pool of glass eyes and a +1 sword at the bottom
4. Mercury coloured honey with a +1 sword stuck in it
5. 30 metres of red coral chain wrapped around the +1 sword it joins at the pommel
6. Rare and difficult papers, one with diagrams on how to fold it into a plus one sword.

Any one of these ideas contains the seed of an adventure and hints at fantastical, incomprehensible goings-on that players will find strange and wonderful/horrifying. So much better than a locked chest.

Example 3. Scrap Princess also writes lists of imaginative, cool-sounding names, but my favourites are her dragon names and the logic behind them:

Dragon Names:
Young dragons name themselves after a specific point of pride, then add to that until it weighs on them that their deeds could be merely cataloged and so give themselves sweeping titles suggestive of countless glories. There are numerous other fads and whimsies but the most notable after this is the tendency for the very oldest of dragons to have but a single word, with the implication being their name was the source of the word.

Young dragon names:1.Bruxatonn, Fouler of the Lake
2.Cavourous, The Cattle Scourge
3. Heinous Red, The Doom of Pigglewiddle
4. Brutus, Eater of a Million Babies
5. Xorable, Who Shat On The Moon
6. Black Virens, Usurper of Bogspoke Manor
7. Seething Disrustrix, Decimator of the Wayward Moor
8. Gristle Gore, Pig Despoiler

Older than that:
1. Assanine, The Poison of The Sky
2. BroilGlare, The Wound of the World
3: Vux The Madderner
4. Turmoilous the Goreful
5. Hateful Histonix, the Merciful
6. Carst Whose Shadow is Loss
7. Umbral Craetagus, Scar of the Mountain
8. Ghastrosmous, The Stain on Gold

Ancient Dragon Names
1. Hunger
2. Wrath
3. Ruin
4. Lamentation
5. Death
6. Misery
7. Greed
8. Famine

        OK. I think I’ve lifted quite enough material from her blog for one day. If you want to see more head over there and take a look around. There’s loads of strange and wonderful lists, maps, drawings and other world-making/unmaking ideas. It can be an unsettling experience- like looking at an Hieronymus Bosch painting...while sitting in a tub of spiders...listening to Georgie Parker sing Here Comes The Sun. But even if you’re like me and you feel a strong attachment to Middle Earth, Forgotten Realms and other traditional fantasy settings I reckon your games can still benefit from the injection of some of Scrap Princess’ ideas/method. Her ideas are especially well-suited to adventures set on other planes of existence, journeys to the underworld, powerful spells gone awry and the machinations of insane mages. Seriously, if you're a GM unleash them on your players and watch them dissolve (cue megalomaniacal laughter).

        At the beginning of this post I said I think Scrap Princess' work is important. The reason I say that is she showed me what’s possible when you think outside the box- and the fact that I was IN a box in the first place which is kind of a big deal. And that's the true value of what she does- it shakes us out of our mental boxes...or at least it allows us to peek over their edges for a moment. Next week I’ll be posting an interview with Scrap Princess in which I asked her opinions on Tolkien, Art and her impending godhood. Interviewing Scrap Princess is a bit like walking into a dungeon- you know there'll be spikes but there's gold at the end if you make it.

        Until then...

        Mike

(Australian Gods, Part 4)

Soviet Hobbit is Truly EPIC

        There's "So bad it's good".

        Then there's "So bad it's just bad".

        Well, below that there's a level where something is just so bad it becomes EPICALLY AWESOME FOR ALL TIME NO BACKSIES NO RETURNS.

        That's where Soviet Hobbit lives.

        Comic artist Greg Steele (These Bears Are Happy) recognised this rich vein of stupidity and added subtitles. Be warned, Greg says "I'm a big believer in vulgarity. It is honest and exciting"- and his subtitles don't disappoint. Let's join the action at Lake Town-

        Why did Peter Jackson even bother?

        There are 6 parts of this epic on youtube.

        Enjoy!